Multiple people have asked me the same question over the past few months: Which book has made the biggest impact on you and why? 📚
Each time, I can’t help but go back to the same book. Not Nice by Dr. Aziz Gazipura.
I haven’t even finished the book yet (it’s a mega-chonker at almost 500 pages), but DAMN it is good. Once you make it through, you will undoubtedly have many practical tips and clarity on why you should unapologetically be yourself, assertively ask for what you want, and stop seeking approval in others. This book completely changed my life.
You’re Not for Everyone
In the book, Dr. Aziz talks about approval seeking as a “Bag of Ones”:
Your Bag of Ones was explained to me by a bright and perceptive coach I met at a conference. She explained it this way: If you were to go into a room of 100 people and say “hi” to everybody, 99 would say “hi” back and one would coldly stare you down and say, “Oh…it’s you. What are you doing here?”
Whenever we go to a new environment — a networking event, a conference, a party, a new job, or anywhere else where we’re putting ourselves out there — we imagine that one person […] that gives us that cold, negative response, and add them to our Bag of Ones.
Then we carry this bag over our shoulders, always anticipating a negative reception to everything we do. We have all the evidence we could ever need because we’re carrying around that sucker around on our backs.
What would happen if we focus our energy on the 99 people who give us positive responses instead of the one person that we can’t satisfy?
Dr. Aziz says, “The truth is, we don’t have control of whether people like us or not. The only things we have control over is how fully we show up.”
What a relief — you don’t have to please everyone around you! 😅 You just have to show up as your boldly authentic self and say, “I’m not for everyone.”
Knowing Your Boundaries
Are you scared to show up in the world as your unapologetic self? Are you trying to make everyone like you? Are you carrying around a Bag of Ones?
If so, start setting boundaries between yourself and the people around you. Ask yourself these questions to strengthen your sense of self:
What do I love? (like, appreciate, enjoy)
What do I hate? (dislike, find annoying, bothersome, irritating)
What do I believe? (“I believe _________”)
What is great about me? (strengths, positive qualities, endearing traits)
What is my purpose? (your goals, reason for life)
Once you do this exercise and obtain a stronger relationship with yourself, you will take back your power to be more assertive and confident. P.S. Confidence is sexy! 😉
Would you rather have:
99/100 people like you when you show up as the fake you; OR
20/100 people like you when you show up as the real you?
“You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, and there’s still going to be someone who hates peaches.”
- Dita Von Teese
Resources:
Not Nice by Dr. Aziz Gazipura: https://notnicebook.com/
6. You Are the Juiciest Peach 🍑